How to Cope With a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law? (Tips for Disarming her)

by Ella Carrillo · December 19, 2022

How to Cope With a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law? Narcissists can be some of the most difficult people to deal with. If you have to deal with a narcissist in your life without much choice, you might be knowing how difficult it is. Daughters-in-Law play an important part in shaping your family tree, and also they are the ones who might bring big changes, adding more responsibilities to the family and shaping an image of your family out in the community.

Daughters-in-Law can create a huge impact on the family be it affirmative or negative. So how is it to have a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law? How to know some of her common traits? and How to Cope With a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law? Let us get to know all about having a narc Daughter-in-Law in the family along with some ways to keep the balance and maintain better relations in the family.

What roles does a daughter-in-law play in shaping a family’s well-being?

A woman plays many different roles within her life span. Some primary roles they perform include a daughter, a sister, a wife, a daughter-in-law, a mother, and many other secondary roles and responsibilities. Women are held responsible for many unfortunate incidents taking place in the family knowingly or unknowingly by society, so it bears a lot of pressure for a woman to be their best versions all the time. So let us know some of the important roles of a woman as a daughter-in-law for shaping a family’s well-being and prosperity,

Proper management and organization of the homes.
maintaining a Work-life balance.
Maintaining good relationships with family members.
Being available when a family needs you.
Shaping the family tree by bearing off-springs.
Maintaining peace and sanity in the home.
Maintaining and cobbling relationships between family members.
Accepting many new roles and try not to lose individuality.
Conjugating the family.

Usually, a daughter-in-law is expected to dissolve like sugar in milk. But what happens when that is not the case? What happens when you have to deal with a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law? Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law may part families, or at least play a role in creating differences among family members. They may also be held responsible for separating the son’s from their parents especially mothers in many cases. So is it better to confront them? or cope with them? The answer here is very simple. Always keep in mind that confronting a Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law can always put you in a tough position. “Confronting a Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law would be like fighting a battle of wills.”

So it is better if you cope with a Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law rather than confronting them because the final goal here is seeing your child happy with their partner and satisfying married life for them, which can ultimately help in maintaining the well-being of your family.

Why should you not confront your Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law, instead of just coping with them?

When your child has chosen a narcissistic partner to spend the rest of their lives with, and when you also know such a narcissistic person can be troublesome; do not nitpick it. There is not much left you can do here. You would be the bad person here if you try to confront them about this. Your child is an adult and has made their choices, so rather than confronting them about this, you better cope with the situation that you are put in.

In dealing with a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law, confrontation is always risky and a not-so-good idea unless you may want to create uninvited trouble for your child. Narcissists run away from the truth and they do not like being told about reality. Narcissists are not good while dealing with truth, feelings, vulnerabilities, and confrontations.

Confrontations may arouse their wrath and they might make a scene. They would be loud and volatile about being confronted. So rather than confronting them, you may either choose to ignore or just side-track the topic or may even leave it altogether. Instead, think of a way that can be a win-win situation for both of you. That can be getting along with your Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law and also managing to teach them a taste of their own nasty behavior.

Confronting your Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law might create trouble for your child, especially causing them deep scars and damage to their happily married life, as confronting a narcissist may be as bad as running on fumes. So the best way to be around a Narcissistic Daughters-in-Law is by coping with their not-so-likable personalities, and you can do this with the help of some below-mentioned points, which can help you in acknowledging them about their ill-tempered, repulsive, mean, malicious, and unpleasant behavior and also give them a taste of their wrongdoings.

What are some of the signs that may indicate that you are dealing with a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law?

She is controlling and overpowering.
She is overshadowing your child.
She has too many axes to grind for her own purposes, meaning she is unreasonably selfish.
Fights with everyone in the family including their partner when they do not get their way.
She always plays the victim when blamed.
She has the slightest respect for you.
She disregards your opinions and opts to disarm you with hurtful statements.
She is always right according to her.
She would tell made-up tales and lies about you.
She has unhealthy relations with relatives.
Arrogance and anger is her first reaction to any problems caused by you.
She lacks sensitivity and empathy.
She likes to create trouble and play games.
She would always create chaos in the house over trivial matters.
She would create indifference between you and your child.
She would not allow meeting your child or even your grandchildren.

These are some of the traits of a narcissistic daughter-in-law. Now let us know some ways to cope with them and their nasty behavior.

How to Cope With a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law?

Do not try to take the authority, instead just follow her rules
Do not give her advice or even try to work your way with her
Try to be as pleasant as possible with her, but avoid being over-friendly or nosy
Be in the grey space (safe space); do not take sides
Do not visit them unannounced
Set your boundaries
Acceptance is the key
Knowing more about Narcissism
Be obligated when she does something good for you
Do not confront your Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law

1. Do not try to take the authority, instead just follow her rules

Narcissists are bossy and like to have all the control and power around everyone, even the crucial one’s like financial control and in almost all situations. When a Narcissist cannot control you, they would be behaving more arrogantly and you might notice many changes in their behavior. They become the most difficult to deal with when they lose control. So whenever you visit her, or she visits you, do not try to show your power or do not try to take any authority, just be your usual calm self and follow her rules. Following her rules is important especially when you visit her as control is everything a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law needs.

2. Do not give her advice or even try to work your way with her

In-laws have an impression of being tough to deal with, especially Mothers-in-law. Your Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law might also have the same impression, so you would always be on her radar. She would always be ready to pick fights with you. Thus do not try to work your way with her, instead, you do you and let her do her own thing.

The same goes for advice. The narcissist hates it when someone points out their mistake or shows them better ways. You might be advising them for their own betterment but they might have ill thoughts about it. Plus you should always give advice to those who listen narcissists are not the people to listen to anyone as they think they are the “King or Queens” of their own little world. They are full of themselves, so it is better to maintain peace by not advising them.

3. Try to be as pleasant as possible with her, but avoid being over-friendly or nosy

Nobody likes nosy people, especially someone who constantly interferes with your life. Same way when you interfere in your child’s married life, just be prepared for some uninvited trouble with your Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law. Your Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law would not like it when you are over-friendly with her, they would be suspecting you of having some ill intentions for her. So just maintain a safe distance from her, and be as pleasant as possible with her without being intimidating, nosy, or over-friendly.

4. Be in the grey space (safe space); do not take sides

Be in the grey space. What is a grey zone (safe space) here?

A grey zone here with the reference to a narcissistic daughter-in-law is a zone without comparisons. Do not take sides between your child and your daughter-in-law. Just be impartial even though you know the fact that your narcissistic daughter-in-law might be wrong and offensive sometimes, but instead of sharply pointing it out, choose safe words to point out which do not seems to dismiss.

A natural maternal instinct would force you to side with your child, but do not do that in the presence of your narcissistic daughter-in-law. Just be impartial and more open to understanding all viewpoints.

5. Do not visit them unannounced

Narcissists do not love when someone interrupts their plans as they are control freaks. So your announced visit may put her out of control of the situation and disrupt her schedule.

Narcissists always present their shiny selves. They always want to seem perfect. So when you visit your narcissistic daughter-in-law unannounced, you may catch them out of blue. They would not like this as they would not be prepared as usual to present their best foot to you and impress you. Narcissists always need to make an impression of what they are not. So visiting announced is a big NO-NO while dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law.

6. Set your boundaries

Setting firm boundaries might initially upset your narcissistic daughter-in-law, but with time this would ensure your mental peace, individuality, privacy, and worth. Be less accessible to her.

Do not try to get close to her more than required, do not blindly allow her to take an advantage of you just for the love of your child, do not let her dominate all situations, do not tolerate her nasty behavior all the time, do not let her bad-mouth other family members, maintain your peace by keeping a safe distance from her.

7. Acceptance is the key

Acceptance is the key while dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law. Do not try to change her or brainwash your child about her nasty personality. Just accept the fact and go with the flow. When your child has already chosen a narcissistic partner and has decided to continue spending the rest of their life with your narcissistic daughter-in-law, just do not nitpick it. There is not much left you can do here. You would be the bad person here if you try to confront them about this. Your child is an adult and has made their choices, so rather than confronting them about this, you better cope with the situation that you are put in.

Rather than creating a fuss about your child choosing a narcissistic daughter-in-law, try to think of things about how can you cope with her without losing mental health, peace, and happiness.

8. Knowing more about Narcissism

Knowing more about narcissism would definitely teach you some ways to deal with your narcissistic daughter-in-law without being too noticeable. Knowing more about Narcissism can help you understand your NPD individuals or anybody with NPD(Narcissistic Personality Disorder) better. This is the best and utmost way to cope with a narcissistic person. You can also know some amazing tricks and tactics to handle a narcissistic daughter-in-law. This is the best way to teach the taste of their nasty behavior to them.

9. Be obligated when she does something good for you

When your narcissistic daughter-in-law does something nice for you, says something good about you, or does something out of her usual nasty nature, then there is your chance to be on her good side. Everyone loves appreciation, especially narcissists. Narcissists love attention They would be so impressed with you when you notice their little effort because this is not their usual thing. They usually like to be appreciated. So when they do appreciate you or do something nice for you notice it and make it clear to them that you are grateful and love the efforts they have taken to do something for you.

For instance, if your narcissistic daughter-in-law, brings you a gift, cooks something that you like, video calls you for you to meet your grandchildren, or anything that is unusually good for you, just spare some time and be obligated for whatever good she has done for you.

10. Do not confront your Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law

Some tips for Disarming her(Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law)

Mention the right to an opinion. You both have an equal right to be happy and manage the household equally so mentioning, “You do you and let me do me” is very important while dealing with a narc Daughter-in-Law.
Be clear about the things you expect from her and also things that you do not like.
Do not walk on eggshells around her, be firm, be yourself, and find innovative ways to cope with her and also maintain your repo.
Disengage from acts that can lead to rage and anger. Do not involve yourself in an argument with her. Because narcissists love to win at all costs.
Do not be okay when something is not okay. Putting your views forward as being the adult of the house may at least provide you some weightage for not allowing the wrongdoings.
Keep your cool around her, especially when she is furious, this would simply disarm her.

Important Take Aways

It is impossible to expect changes in the case of a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law, so learn to work your way out without giving in to their manipulative tactics, do not let it harm your relationship with your child or grandchildren, and remember, “Ignorance is bliss” so disconnect from her toxicity, let go of hurtful and unwanted trauma, comments, moments, and focus on how to make your life merrier even with their presence.

Just remember your child’s hardships who might constantly be juggling and struggling between you and their narcissistic partner, so be available for your child and grandchildren whenever they need you. Maintain good relationships with her so that it does not affect your other relations. Just try and be the bigger person here.

Also remember it is not your fault, it is just the life choice of your child, so try disconnection from your Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law when you feel it is getting heavy on you or feel anxious. Just relax, take some time off from her trauma and be happy. Find ways to deal with her more efficiently and smartly without making much of a fuss.

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Ella Carrillo

Hey Reader, I am Ella, an Online and Offline Therapist holding an experience of 6 years in this field.

From Relationship, Depression, and Personality Disorder to Narcissistic problems, I have helped a lot of people find their solutions. Upon gathering a number of common problems that people face, I decided to put the information on this blog so that anyone can get their answers easily.