15 Deceptive Narcissist Hoovering Examples (Why Narcissists do it?)

by Ella Carrillo · December 8, 2022

Let us know some Deceptive Narcissist Hoovering Examples as narcissists often hoover around even after you leave them or a breakup. Why does a narcissist hoover? Is it normal? Can it be threatening or dangerous for you? Is it considered something you should take a notice of or respond to? Let us know more about narcissist hoovering and some signs and examples of Narcissist Hoovering.

What is Narcissist Hoovering?

Hoovering means keeping in touch or having lingering feelings for an ex-partner even after breaking up. Hoovering is usually a term associated with people suffering from some sort of personality or mental health disorder, especially a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by an individual to lure you back into a toxic relationship. Hoovering when referred to the dictionary meaning is sucking something in or consuming something eagerly. A person who fears losing someone even after losing them is aptly hoovering. It is like they would not let go of a person even though they do not want to be in touch.

Is Narcissist Hoovering the same as Hoovering in relationships?

Yes! Indeed the term Hoovering is often referred with Narcissist Hoovering because individuals with some personality disorder like NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and is associated with them. So yes narcissist hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by a narcissist to lure you back into the toxic relationship in which you probably had suffered enough. Narcissist Hoovering is like they would not let go of a person even though they do not want to be in touch, especially their exes.

Why does Narcissists Hoover?

Narcissists try to hoover around their exes and victimize them again, as they cannot let go easily. It can be really difficult to break up with a narcissist as they can blackmail you, take revenge, or hoover around for a long period of time. They do this because they do not want to lose control over their source of supply. And also it is always difficult to date a narcissist due to their anger issues and unhealthy behavior so they have to be dependent on a lot of people to get their supply. This is also one of the reasons why narcissists hoover.

Hoovering is always intended for the emotional ex-partner that a narcissist tries to regain. It is the vulnerabilities that the narcissist takes an advantage of.

After how long does the Narcissist start Hoovering after a breakup?

There is no specific time limit on this. A narcissist can hoover immediately, or within a week, a month or it can also take as much as a year. This time depends upon the individual. They may not even hover if they have really moved on or found a new partner. When they are out of supply, that is when they start hoovering in search of supply in the form of getting validation, control, and attention.

For how long can the Narcissist Hoovering continue?

There is no specific time that can be provided as an assurance, for this particular question. But they would hoover until they get their supply in the form of getting validation, control, and attention. Once they stop getting what they want, or once they find their new source for supply they might stop hoovering around you.

Narcissistic hoovering can range from them being extra lovey-dovey to suicide threats. So prepare yourself for some of the most unexpected twists and turns if you were dating a narcissist and broke up, or are thinking to bring.

This does not mean that you should not break up with a narcissist. Of course, freeing from toxicity is all we require. Do not be afraid and lead a free happy life. If they hoover just ignore them, find someone new to state that you are no longer available, or if you are not yet ready to date someone new then just be straightforward about being unapproachable and just stop providing them the supply.

Do all Narcissists hoover?

The answer is a yes and a no. Usually, it is observed by psychology experts that many narcissists hoover as they cannot go along for a long time without getting their dose of supply like validation, ego boosts, praise, vulnerabilities, and much more so they probably hoover.

In case they have found someone new as their supply source, or they are simply not interested in you as much then they might not hoover.

But if they are truly into you, then they might hoover and not give up until you give up and return to the toxic relationship. They are headstrong about hoovering in such cases.

Why is Narcissist Hoovering Deceptive?

Narcissists Hoovering is Deceptive as they lie smoothly and can do that without blinking. Their promises to change are mere words and hollow sentences. They do not change completely. They would still have those toxic traits and they would make shallow, fake, and convincing promises that you would uncover when you get back with them.

Narcissists hardly change. It is not that they would not change at all, but that process would be tiring and time-consuming. So do not fall, victim, if you are not that into the person and also to Deceptive Narcissist Hoovering. Just save yourself and enjoy the freedom you have gained through the separation from the narcissist before it is late.

It needs a far-sighted individual to figure out the hoovering. You might not be able to understand this at first but when you look at the bigger picture from afar you might recognize the narcissistic relationship and the hoovering.

Now, Let us understand more about Narcissist Hoovering through some Deceptive Narcissist Hoovering Examples, which are mentioned below;

By starting with simple accidental texts, calls, or even meetups
Next comes the reappearing
Calling on special dates and occasions
Reaching out through social media
Threatening with threats of self-harm
Trying to befriend you
Making big commitments and promises
Not letting go of your possessions
Demanding a closure
Bethinking past memories and reminding them
Presenting themselves as a changed individual
Flaunting with a new partner
Out-of-the-blue meetups on holidays or special reminiscing dates
Reaching out to your family, friends, or acquaintances
They would do anything to break your confidence
Love bombing you with gifts and so-called attachment

Let us know an in-depth explanation about these points below,

1. By starting with simple accidental texts, calls, or even meetups

Narcissists would be texting you or calling you, out of the blue, and call it accidental. Even though it is not. They would be doing it on purpose to check whether you take their bait and agree to continue the relationship once again with them. They would be sending a flirty text message or using your common slang just to check in on how you reciprocate with them.

They would try to take you back to the nostalgic time that you spent together and make you miss them. They would remind you that you have made a huge mistake by breaking up with them and that they need you, via text messages, calls, or even by meeting you in person, so that you would re-consider your break up and again date them.

They would text you, call you with all emotional drama, they would exaggerate how sad they are after you left so that they can make you gullible and lure you back.

They might use phrases like,

Our favorite movie is streaming on the television right now, I miss those times.
I happen to be at our favorite cafe yesterday, it does not feel the same as it was with you while we visited.

2. Next comes the reappearing

They would try to remind you of them by their glimpses and presence in similar places and even in your thoughts by manipulating them emotionally through texts, calls, notes, or any sort of communication. They would try to reach out to you and meet you, by taking the same routes, and the same mode of transportation, and would wait outside your workplace or your residence just to mention their mere presence and convince you to get them back. They would use all these hoovering tricks to gain you back in their life. This is how they start reappearing in your life again or hoovering in your life, after breaking up.

3. Calling on special dates and occasions

A narcissist would call, text, or send presents on your birthday or even on dates of importance when you were dating or when you were associated with them like anniversaries, or promotions. They would be saying sweet and reminiscing sentences like,

Since it is your birthday, I thought of wishing first like we used to do while dating. I hope you have an amazing birthday this year too.”
“Remember today?!, It is the first time we met at this cafe. Seeing this on the calendar made me call you”
“On this date, you got promoted, and remember we had a dinner date to celebrate. This suddenly popped into my mind so thought of texting you.”

They would be slipping into your DMs, commenting on your posts, or sharing memes out of the blue. This is also one of their hoovering technique, where they appreciate you indirectly and state that they still value you and miss you.

They would stalk you through social media indirectly and reach places where you might have checked in and state that to be a co-incident. But in reality, they are just keeping a check on you and waiting for you to notice them and make up your mind to date them or be with them again.

5. Threatening with threats of self-harm

The ultimate sign of hoovering is that a narcissist would call or text you by harming themselves or at least threatening you with that. They would call you from the top of the building stating to jump if you did not meet them or reconciled with them.

They would try to manipulate you by staging certain actions which would make you worry and they would do this on purpose to make you respond immediately. If you feel there might be any danger you might want to call for help first so that the life-threatening situation can be taken care of immediately.

6. Trying to befriend you

A narcissist would not want to cut all ties after the breakup. They would still want to hoover around you by the means of befriending you so that they can still control you, know your activities, and get their supply. Being friends with an ex-narcissist partner can be a very difficult situation.

Plus befriending could totally lead to unexpected situations because this is not going to be a normal post-breakup friendship. They would try to work their way with you, try to entangle you in all sorts of narcissistic manipulative tactics, and not give up until you get back with them.

7. Making big commitments and promises

Making big commitments and shallow promises is like a narcissist’s thing. They would lie effortlessly about how they would commit themselves to you and your needs, or they would promise all sorts of lies like not being the same arrogant person as before, spending more time together, keeping their anger issues in control, taking care of you, and many more shallow promises.

As narcissists cannot keep their promises or just think for themselves, these promises might be for namesake and actually would just be used as bait to get you into their trap. Big commitments and shallow promises are one of the best techniques a narcissist could use for hoovering.

8. Not letting go of your possessions

If you and your narcissist partner had a live-in relationship or somehow used to live together then this technique would make much sense. Post-breaking moving and shifting all your stuff may be difficult and awkward as is.

There is a chance that you might forget some belongings and possessions and a narcissist would cling to them. They would use these possessions to hoover around and would demand to meet to return your possessions. They might call you saying,

“You left your plants here, do you mind collecting them or should I bring those to you?”
“You might have borrowed one of my hoodies, do you mind giving it back?”

9. Demanding a closure

A narcissist would call and ask for closure if you ended things with them. If you are the one who ended your relationship then they would definitely demand a dramatic end asking for a proper closure to the relationship. They would state they are waiting for a proper end where they can take revenge on you for ending the relationship.

If it is the Narcissists who had just moved on or ended things abruptly without providing any justifications for their actions still they would blame it on you when they want to come back to your life.

By doing this a narcissist might also try to take revenge in the name of closure. They might also be luring you in for one more conversation by demanding closure. They would call or text saying,

“If you can meet me for the last time, I have some things to ask which can provide clarity.”
“Can you give me one more chance to explain the situation?”

10. Bethinking past memories and reminding them

They would call or text you when they visit some of the places that you both cherished together when you were together. They would remind you of those memories to get back together.

They would remind the memories from the attraction phase of narcissist dating, which are the only and probably the best memories together. But do not fall victim to the narcissist hoovering and just remember the discard phase or how they ended things with you or how they treated you while dating.

11. Presenting themselves as a changed individual

If you have to attend a mutual friend‘s wedding or any common social function with your narcissist ex-partner, remember to stay away from their hoovering tactics. They would present themselves as a drastically changed individual than in the past. They would present their best version to lure you back.

Just remember that narcissists and change seldom go hand in hand. So before you decide or agree to date them again, just remember the positive changes that you might notice can be short-termed or surface-level changes, they might return to how they used to be in a short time once they have your attention.

12. Flaunting with a new catch

If you move on before a narcissist does, this would create a commotion in a narcissist’s life. They would flaunt their new partner immediately. They would post it as a happy update on their life and would try to make you jealous. This is one of the peculiar hoovering techniques used by a narcissist.

13. Out-of-the-blue meetups on holidays or special reminiscing dates

A narcissist would meet you suddenly at places where you used to visit while dating. They would show up at your doorstep wishing and bearing gifts on festivals. They would call you to remind you of your to-be anniversary date if you were still together. This hoovering technique can be dangerous as they might just reappear out of the blue and lure you back with their charms to being with them again.

14. Reaching out to your family, friends, or acquaintances

A narcissist would bring in a third party to know your whereabouts and that is the time when they reach out to your family members, friends, colleagues, or any acquaintances. Narcissists would mention to them that they miss you, or want to get back with you. Reaching out to your family for their own benefit is one of the most selfish hoovering techniques used by a narcissist.

15. They would do anything to break your confidence

When a Narcissist loses control over you, they would do anything to break your gained confidence and make you feel dependent. They would tell you all sorts of lies to gain back you as their partner after your withdrawal. They would pressurize the fact that they are the only ones who would be able to understand you and push you towards being convinced that no one knows you better than them. By any means, they would break your confidence by using this hoovering technique.

16. Love bombing you with gifts and so-called attachment

Once you try to walk away from a Narcissist, they would not allow that. In fact, they would shower you with excessive love. They might compliment you, reach out through social media, and can even go to extreme lengths to gain your forgiveness until you grant it. This is all just for the time being until you get back to them. They can be flirty and can try by all means to gain control back. But do not get lured by their such behavior. This is just on a temporary basis and one more hoovering technique up their sleeve. There are some possible ways a narcissist would go to express love or love bomb you and seek forgiveness like,

They would shower excessive love and be all lovey-dovey with you. But remember this is just temporary, this would all fade away once they have their control back.
They might do things like buying expensive presents, sending flowers, chocolates, and many more such means to lure you back.

Important Takeaway

A narcissist can hoover immediately, or within a week, a month or it can also take as much as a year. This time depends upon the individual. They may not even hover if they have really moved on or found a new partner. When they are out of supply, that is when they start hoovering in search of supply in the form of getting validation, control, and attention.

Hoovering is always intended for the emotional ex-partner that a narcissist tries to regain. It is the vulnerabilities that the narcissist takes an advantage of.

Narcissists would try to come back into your life from time often until they find a new supply. They would simply put a false act and show you that they have changed just for you, and want you back in their lives. When you decide to move on the narcissist would be harsh, feel agitated, and feel insulted as they always expected to have control over you. Now, this depends upon you whether to be their victim again or live a peaceful life without them.

Do not be lured by a narcissist once you break up with them. Just recollect all the bitter memories with them before reconciling. Just keep moving forward.

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Ella Carrillo

Hey Reader, I am Ella, an Online and Offline Therapist holding an experience of 6 years in this field.

From Relationship, Depression, and Personality Disorder to Narcissistic problems, I have helped a lot of people find their solutions. Upon gathering a number of common problems that people face, I decided to put the information on this blog so that anyone can get their answers easily.